the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize