I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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