Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
