It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize