i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
His hands were made for my vagina.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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