the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
