remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
