im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
