if you like me you must not know who I am
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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