The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
