I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Randomize
