you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
