$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I cannot find my penis.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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