i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
