I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
