I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
