Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
