I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
