So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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