I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
