i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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