Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
