the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
