I accidentally had phone sex last night
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
