So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
