Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
