So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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