My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
