last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
