Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
