Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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