we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize