Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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