Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
