it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
