my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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