How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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