So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
