Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
