i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
