Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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