did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize