Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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