They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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