his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
