He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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