Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
