Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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