I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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