i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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