Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
