I love black thongs
I didn't shave. On purpose
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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