we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
