After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
