You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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